8/8

I feel called to write something tonight on this auspicious eighth day of the eighth month of the year! I was born on the eighth (of another month) and have always felt a special connection to the number, particularly because it also serves as the infinity symbol. I love doodling 8's and actually wanted my wedding date this year to be 08.18.18 because of all the 8's but I was veto'd, which is totally OK because when it's this hot all I end up wanting to wear in the way of clothes is basically nothing, so a long white dress in 91 degrees wouldn't have been ideal.

Anyway!

Apparently this is a very potent day in the universe and there's something called the Lionsgate Portal, which I hadn't heard of until a week or so ago, but I read up on it as part of my new daily ritual of reading the goings-on of the cosmos and I even did a little ritual tonight to welcome in restorative and loving divine energy. I don't have all the answers and sometimes I can't tell if something I try "works" but what I do know is that this ritual involved me sitting in meditation for 10 or so minutes and I felt deeply at peace and connected to something greater than my self. It was beautiful and I continue to welcome in all this loving energy.

Another cool thing I did (if you're into cool things) is made a delicious smoothie bowl for dinner tonight. I know, kind of an odd dinner choice, but it's VERY hot tonight and even hotter in my apartment that's been baking in the sun all day, and so I decided to cool down with a light combo of ingredients that included dairy-free cashew(!) yogurt, organic peanut butter, fresh blueberries & raspberries, chia seeds, hemp seeds, cacao nibs, ground flaxseed meal, and a dash of cinnamon. It was truly delightful and turned out to be a wonderful way to end this wonderful day.

 

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Tarot Reading: August 1, 2018

The first of the month is a new beginning, a time to call in refreshing new energy for the weeks ahead and find places within ourselves to shift and grow. 

Lately I have felt called to work on creative projects that have been gathering mind-dust and finally bring them into fruition. I have the ideas, but I sometimes get lost knowing where or how to start.

I often turn to The Wild Unknown Tarot deck to seek guidance and hone my intuition, which I think is a necessary component of creativity. Learning to listen and trust your own internal compass is what helps you set aside Fear and move forward on your path.

This morning, I asked for guidance as we move into harvest time. Seeds have already been planted, but there is more work yet to be done. What's the message for the month of August?

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Daughter of Cups

The suit of Cups deals with the emotional realm and themes of connection, dreams, and following your heart. The Daughter of Cups is a creative and emotional being, a natural dreamer, and a true optimist. This gentle creature glides upon the water with ease and grace; there's no forcing or controlling things here. Instead, she embodies a calmness and clarity that helps her see inspiration all around, and maintain a clear and steady relationship with intuition. 

In more traditional Tarot decks, this card would be represented by the Page of Cups, a card that represents new beginnings (how timely!) and imagination. The Page can often serve as a messenger, reminding us to keep an eye out for new ideas on the horizon.


What dreams, ideas, or imaginings can you bring to life this month? How might you embody the qualities of the Daughter of Cups and tap into your intuition?

Happy August! xo

i am...

well, so much for keeping a consistent writing schedule! wait, i'm sorry, i take that back; that was so sarcastic and judgmental (despite its accuracy). what i mean to say is that, it's been just over three months since i last wrote something here. and the main reason for that is i spent the last 10 magical weeks in yoga teacher training.

i think i wrote the last post about my career/work crisis of confidence because i was terrified about what i had signed myself up for. yoga teacher? i'm not even that 'good' at yoga! i have never stood on my head! i don't know everything there is to know and how to perform it all perfectly so WHO AM I to learn how to teach this stuff to other people? 

well, i hate to break it to my 'not good enough' mind monster but i am, in fact, a yoga teacher - 200 salty hours later. i may still be working on the whole confidence thing, but i am actively teaching and practicing and still learning, and with it all comes a lot of mistakes and even more opportunities to learn and grow. 

it's a new feeling for me to say "i am" followed by something i love and of which i am very, very proud. i'll say it again: i am a yoga teacher.

what do i DO?

do you ever feel unqualified or inadequately prepared for doing more or going to the next level in your career? i do. right now, in fact! i've been battling these feelings for a while now, and with a bright new year ahead of me, i've been seriously questioning what i'm doing with my life and if i can even consider doing something wildly different with the skills and education i currently have on my resume. 

the thing is, i start to freak out a little bit when i cast my mind over my career thus far. even when i go all the way back to high school, i can't remember having any focus or clear idea of what i might want to do with my life. at one point, i loved my time in musical theatre so much that i thought i'd go on to Broadway and become a star, but i don't think i really ever wanted it that much. at least not realistically. it seemed like fun until i realized how exhausting that line of work could be, and the competition was something fierce. i'm competitive to a point, but beyond that i just want everyone to have a nice time.

when i was really little, i used to make my own "books" out of colored construction paper and markers. i'd make up stories in my favorite genre: young princess lost in the woods who casually meets her animal soul-friends and possibly a prince here and there (thanks Disney!). i grew to love books and reading and writing so much that i figured one day i'd be an author. a part of that dream is still with me, but i feel so far off track from who i am as a writer that it's not something i entertain on a daily basis. [good book alert: after reading On Writing by Stephen King recently, i want to say fuck it to all my insecurities and doubts and pick fiction writing back up...maybe without so many "princess in the woods" storylines]. 

don't even get me started on my major(s) in college.

no, my main "career" focus for the past seven years has been what can help pay the bills. i'll throw my hands up at you because i'm an independent woman, but i still have $30k+ in student loans to pay off, and i live in one of the most expensive cities with one of the most ridiculous rental markets. i'm also an anxious millennial struggling to "find my passion" [god, i hate that phrase, i don't even know why i just wrote that. or why i'm keeping it in here] without going into default. so basically i'm one part, woo! let's, you know, just quit the 9-5er and fucking live life man, and another part just quietly repeating, bills, bills, bills...[yes, that's the second Destiny's Child reference in case you're counting.]

needless to say, i feel stuck. also, i feel like kicking myself for not participating in workshops or online courses or seeking out continuing education programs over the last few years to keep learning and expanding my skills, or just to try a new track like the business of fashion because i love the idea of creating my own clothing line but i can't draw, or sew, and know next to nothing about the fashion world, other than the fact that i pick out my own clothes. 

enough of that self-berating, though. what i do know is that it's certainly not too late, and i would still like to pursue continuing ed and learn even if only for the sake of learning and using my brain in ways outside of my daily get up, go to work, come home, go to bed routine. 

and in the meantime, i'm going to keep reminding myself all the time that IT IS OKAY that i am 29 and still have no idea what i want to "do" with my life, and also that i've never really known. and IT IS JUST FINE that i like a lot of different things that might not have bearing on each other but that make me happy and excited and inspired.

i think the secret to career fulfillment is to do something that you enjoy, even if it might not make you a lot of money, or if you have to do something else in conjunction with it, or if it takes you a lot of trial and error to figure out what "it" is, or if "it" is actually more than one thing. it's about keeping things interesting, challenging yourself, and finding the joy in what you do.

it's like Stephen King said, "...if you can do it for joy, you can do it forever."

being green

one area of my life that i'm constantly thinking about and trying to improve is the imprint i'm leaving on this earth. i have always had a deep affection and connection with, nature in all its forms. i was the kid playing in the backyard for hours, totally comfortable with getting dirt all over me, scraping my skin on the trunks of trees, and becoming fascinated by the insects and little creatures i discovered in my own backyard.

i was fortunate to grow up surrounded by nature, with the woods being just a few steps from my back door. i learned to love all of it, and that love has only grown with me. that's why living in a big city was such a tough transition for me - and still is six years later. i'm nearly always craving to be in natural silence - the kind of silence where you rarely hear any man-made sounds, and instead your ears take in the buzzing of insects, the whispering of trees in the wind, the scurrying of animals going about their day.

as i've grown up and learned more about the earth and what us humans have done to it, especially most recently, it makes me heartsick. and yet i know that i have certainly contributed to the negative impact, just by living a modern life of convenience and desires and temptations.

i drive a car, i fly on airplanes, i use plastic, i waste paper, i don't recycle properly (i thought i did, but reading more about it tells me i've been wrong) and i buy things from companies that have less than stellar track records treating their employees well and sourcing their materials in ethical and responsible ways.

i'm hoping to learn even more about how i can change what i do and how i live in order to do my part in taking better care of the earth. i don't think it's an easy task in the age we live in, but i do believe that small, impactful changes are possible.

 

always be learning

i don't have anything profound to say today. i just want to get my words down on the page.

the year 2017 has been one of learning and growth for me, personally. i am discovering more lately about my body, my mind, and my beliefs than ever before. i am learning to listen better all around: to others (how many times do i drift away on my own thoughts instead of paying attention to what the person in front of me is saying?), to my body (what an incredible, truly awesome creation to behold...and i still don't fully trust it but i'm learning that, too), and to my heart (a vague term to be sure, and yet it means that i'm finally listening to the knowing deep inside, which is an understanding that i have everything i need, and that i AM everything i need).

i am also learning to trust the universe, and to transform this ingrained belief that it is somehow against me into believing instead in its power, in its support, in its willingness to help me on my quest(s).

right now, i am sitting at my kitchen table, in the hot, hot night heat of an everlasting summer in southern california and i don't know what else to say. but this is a trick i've learned from my morning pages...sometimes you have to just keep writing, and saying that you don't know what else to say, until you do. 

but tonight, i actually don't know what else to say. what i do know is that if i don't hit Save & Publish on this post now, i will go back to it and rework the crap out of it until i haven't said anything at all, and then i will never actually release it into the wild, wild world. so that's that. goodbye words, you are no longer being kept in solitary confinement in my head (or in my drafts folder). be free!

nothing will ever be perfect

this is one of the hardest lessons i never knew i needed to learn. i didn't realize that for my entire life i have been striving towards this perfection that doesn't actually exist. my inner critic is harsh as hell. she believes that everything i do must be right and lovely and amazing at first go or else why bother with it at all? what's the point of posting, sharing, speaking, creating anything when it's not right

so i am pushing past this with all of my might because i choose not to be stuck anymore. i choose not to allow my critic/censor/judge rule my life so i never actually fully live it. 

i have been working through The Artist's Way book by Julia Cameron, and it's been incredibly helpful in identifying my blockages as a writer and overall regular person and finding ways to dissolve them and make my way through. i've learned that if i wait until something i do is "good enough" i'll never do anything. so i'm sharing my ideas here, whether they are good or not. whether they are sound or silly. whether they are spelled correctly or not (gasp!). which is why i my punctuation and capitalization (or lack thereof) is not perfect. because i'm ditching this ugly thing called perfection for something else: limitless creativity.